1. Go to a resale store and find an old, navy suit
that an army sergeant might have worn. Add a white
shirt and a tie. Wear the same outfit for three consecutive
days.

2. Go to an airport and watch airplanes take off for
several hours. Pretend you are standing by for them
and they are all full. Go home. Return to the airport
the next day and do the same thing again. And again.

3. Fill several large boxes with rocks. Lift them over
your head and place them on the top shelf of a closet.
Slam the door shut until the boxes fit. Do this until
you feel a disk slip in your back.

4. Turn on a radio. Be sure to set it between stations
so there is plenty of static. Turn on the vacuum cleaner and
garbage disposal. Run them all night.

5. Remove the covers from several TV entrees. Place
them in a hot oven. Leave the food in the oven until
it's completely dried out. Remove the hot trays with
your bare hands. Serve to your family. Don't include
anything for yourself.

6. Serve your family a beverage one hour after they've
received their meal. Make them remain in their seats
during this time.

7. Scrounge uneaten rolls off the plates for you to
eat two hours later when you're really hungry.

8. Place a straight-backed chair in a closet facing a
blank wall. Use a belt to strap yourself into it. Eat
the rolls you saved from your family's meal.

9. Ask your family to use the bathroom as frequently
as possible. Tell them to make splashing water a game
and see who can leave the most disgusting mess. Tidy
the bathroom every hour throughout the night.

10. Make a narrow aisle between several dining room
chairs and randomly scatter your husband's wing-tips
and loafers along the way. Turn off the lights and spend
the night walking up and down the aisle while banging your
shins against the chair legs and tripping over the
shoes. Invite strangers into your home and ask them to
pass gas all night as you walk through the aisles.

11. Gently wake your family in the morning and serve
them a cold sweet roll. Don't forget to smile and wish them a
nice day when they leave for work and school.

12. After the family leaves, take a suitcase and go
out in the yard. If it's not raining, turn on the
sprinkling system and stand in the cold for 30 minutes
pretending like you're waiting for the crew bus to
pick you up. Then go inside and wait by your bedroom
door for another 30 minutes for an imaginary maid to
make up your room.

13. Change into street clothes and shop for five
hours. Pick up carry-out food from a local deli. Go
back home. Sit on your bed and eat your meal. Set an
alarm back-up for 3 a.m. in case the operator forgets your
wake-up call.

14. Repeat the above schedule for three days in a row
and you'll be ready to go back to work.

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